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Tours de Farce: Moral Minority

12:00 AM Thursday 8/18/05 |   |

We're beginning to think this pornography thing is getting out of hand.

You know what we're talking about. Hardly a day goes by when one isn't assaulted by photos of bared breasts, videos of brawny buttocks and multimedia presentations of naughty people doing dastardly things. Enough is enough!

We have to admit that porn has taken its toll upon all of us here at Pollstar.com. We arrive each morning looking forward to a day of posting new tour info for Bloodhound Gang, updating LCD Soundsystem, and adding dates for Backstreet Boys. But instead we get this stuff thrown in our faces. Nude torsos, nude pelvises, nude everything. It's time to spread the word. Nude is rude!

Now don't get the wrong idea. We feel that everyone has the right to seek out their own forms of entertainment. Some people like to go to Barry Manilow concerts while others like to wallow in depraved images of sexual pomposity that are so vile, so despicably wicked, that it makes one wonder if the end times are truly near.

That is why we've decided to take a stand. We are urging everyone to say "NO!" to porn and "YES!" to tour dates. We're on a crotch-covering crusade, a quest to cover that breast. We're saying down with sex and up with concert routings. Turn off the porn and turn on to the schedules for The Black Crowes, The Big Wu and Slipknot. You'll feel better. Honest.

But we realize that we can't change the world. We can't shut off the pipeline of pornographic putridity that assails the senses and damages the synapses. We can't protect everyone from filthy dirt and dirty filth. But we're going to try. From now on we're putting our best foot forward, while we use the other foot to stamp out porn, smut and raunch. That's right. When it comes to porn, we'll show nothing but scorn.

And our first action will be to cancel all the subscriptions for the magazines we keep in our waiting room. Sure, it's going to tick off our receptionist. But hey, you gotta start somewhere.

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