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Tours de Farce: Number Game

12:00 AM Thursday 5/19/05 |   |

The numbers are in!

The latest audience survey numbers, that is, and we have to admit that we're more than a little surprised. Heck, we're elated. We're flabbergasted. We're number one!

First of all, we're proud to announce that when it comes to looking up tour schedules for acts like Coldplay and U2, 99 percent of the concert data audience chose Pollstar.com over other popular Web sites such as The New York Times, The Drudge Report and NakedRoadie.com. Surprised? That ain't the half of it.

But it's when you delve into the numbers that the statistics become even more amazing. For example, the ratings show that 94.2 percent of our users looking up the Ted Nugent schedule carry concealed weapons, a 20 percent increase over the total number of armed users accessing this Web site for concert data for the Indigo Girls, Celine Dion and Elton John combined. That's pretty astonishing.

However, that's not nearly as astounding as the total number of Pollstar.com users who took the time to look up dates for mewithoutYou and The Dickies before undergoing life-saving medical procedures, such as heart transplants, appendix reconstructions and frontal lobotomies. Compare that against the number of people who looked up dates for Longwave and Dianne Reeves after they didn't survive such procedures, and you really have some numbers to crow about.

But what really got us excited were the psychographic breakdowns, with more than half of our users who looked up the schedule for Motley Crue admitting to having deep, personal fantasies that involved rope, chandeliers, Cool Whip and Spandex. Heck, advertisers are going to beat a path to our doors when they see those numbers.

Of course, there are other numbers. Like the 89 percent of all women looking up the schedules for Bettie Serveert and Lizz Wright who consider men to be lying, thieving bastards, or the 76 percent of men looking up the dates for Jonathan Richman who agree with them. Then there's the number of guys, 68 percent in the latest count, who spend all their time looking up the schedule for Judas Priest while munching Doritos, gulping Bud Light, scratching their butts and wondering why women never talk to them. A 100 percent increase over last year's count of men who never wondered at all.

What does it all mean? Simply put, we couldn't do it without you. So why not take this opportunity to lean over and shake the hand of the Pollstar.com user next to you, and congratulate him or her on a job well done? It's people like you that made us what we are today. It's people like you that made us number one!

However, you might want to be extra careful if that person next to you is a Ted Nugent fan. On second thought, you might want to send him or her a polite email instead.

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