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Tours de Farce: How Greene Is Our Valley?

12:00 AM Monday 2/7/05 |   |

Life at Pollstar.com headquarters sure is different since we redecorated the offices in a Lorne Greene motif.

As all major decisions go, this was a tough one. The sales department wanted us to redo the complex in an Adam West retro scheme while our IT people insisted that William Shatner modern was the only way to go. However, after many speeches, threats and punctured tires, all 9,871 Pollstar.com employees finally saw the light and realized that our offices would look much better sporting the decorative style that was defined by Mr. Greene's incredible television career. In fact, you might even say, since we redecorated, that Pollstar.com is an authentic, lean Greene tour date machine.

And the results are incredible! For one thing, all of our guests are amazed at the wall-size portrait of Mr. Greene that hangs in our lobby. Decked out in his Battlestar Galactica dress uniform while reaching his arms up towards the heavens, his robe blowing and his gray hair flowing, more than one visitor has told us that Mr. Greene's portrait is the perfect pictorial metaphor for describing an industry that works day and night booking shows for Cher and U2 and promoting concerts by Rusted Root, Widespread Panic and Marilyn Manson. In fact, you could say that most of our visitors are Greene with envy.

But that's nothing compared to the Pollstar.com data processing pits, where the walls are lined with photos portraying Mr. Greene's incredible acting skills as the star of TV's Bonanza. No matter which tours our data people are processing, such as Umphrey's McGee, Shonen Knife and The Wedding Present, whenever a data person gets suck on a particularly tough date, like Bob Dylan in Las Vegas on March 19, he or she can gather inspiration from Lorne's leather vest, cowboy hat and six-shooter, thus proving that working for Pollstar.com is the best job one could have on God's Greene earth.

Yes, redecorating our headquarters to reflect the greatest TV actor the world has ever known is the best thing that's ever happened to Pollstar.com. Employee #581 credits the wall-size mural of Mr. Greene ordering Little Joe to herd the Ponderosa's cattle to the slaughterhouse as the prime inspiration for entering the support acts for Bowling For Soup, while Employee #921 claims that the stirring tile mosaic on our pool deck showing that epic moment when Mr. Greene commanded Captain Apollo to take out an entire Cylon battle fleet, provided the necessary stimulation needed to complete the Motley Crue routing. All in all, our employees love our Lorne Greene theme. So much so that all of them have pledged everlasting loyalty to Pollstar.com, thus assuring us that they won't someday move on to Greener pastures.

That is, all but one employee. Although most of our employees have gained wisdom and courage from the many sculptures, paintings and woodcarvings depicting Lorne Greene's finest roles, we do have one worker who feels a little overwhelmed by it all. You see, it is her job to come in early each day and dust all the statues, and straighten all the pictures before the rest of our staff arrives at work. So, if one day you find yourself visiting our Fresno headquarters, and you hear one of our workers griping about the "Greene Eyed Monster," that would be Employee #491, our official Dean of Greene.

However, we like to think of her as our very own Lorne Arranger.

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