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Tours de Farce: Sex Bomb

12:00 AM Sunday 12/26/04 | |

Can we knock it off with the sex?

We've been receiving complaints that too many of you have been giving into your amorous impulses while viewing this Web site. Too many of you have been shucking your clothes and doffing your garments after viewing the listings for Todd Snider, Xiu Xiu and Erasure. This has got to stop right now.

We understand how the latest dates for B-Side Players or the listing of venues for Taylor Dayne can often bring to mind the pleasures of the flesh. But there's a connection between all the concert fans viewing this Web site, a common bond forged by the love of live music, and, well, we just don't think all this groping and grabbing is necessary. Show dignity, not skin. Please, think of the children.

Imagine how we feel. We've dedicated our entire lives to bringing you up-to-date information for Elton John and Wayne Newton. We work our fingers to the bone, banging in date, city and state, regardless of our own personal safety and comfort. And how do you react to the end results of our labor? Well, we'd rather not go into to detail, but the clothes strewn across the room and the undergarments hanging from the monitor tell a sordid tale indeed.

What we're talking about is abstinence, refrain and self-control. You need to keep a firm grip on your impulses while viewing these tour dates. Sure, we're well aware of the type of mental images that come to mind when looking at the schedule for Yanni or the routings for Judas Priest and Ekoostik Hookah. We understand those wanton feelings of lust that come about when one sees a new listing for Popa Chubby, and we know how venue names, like the Dunkin Donuts Civic Center or Verizon Wireless Arena, can awaken a hunger so primitive, an instinct so basic, that resistance is futile.

But resist you must, for there's a time and a place for everything, and this Web site is neither. We've been hearing complaints, people have been groaning about your moaning, and if you folks don't clean up your act, Mr. Ashcroft might step in and force us to drape sheets over the dates for Motley Crue and the itineraries for the Eagles and Rascal Flatts. Not a pretty thought, is it?

So leash that libido and fetter those fantasies. Keep your shorts on and your hands off. Resist that urge, defy that desire and cork that craving. This site is about schedules for Elvis Costello, Fairport Convention and Paul Westerberg, and should not be construed as your personal pleasure palace. In other words, just say no.

And if you can't do that, at least get a partner. Sheesh... Some of you have been sitting behind the keyboard way too long.

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