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Tours de Farce: True Brit

12:00 AM Tuesday 7/15/03 | |

Can you believe the news of the past few days?

No, we're not talking about bogus nukes, real nukes, plots to destroy the world or even the new tours for Kelly Clarkson and Capitol Steps. We're talking about the story that made headlines around the globe, the story that appeared in every major news publication, was televised from coast-to-coast and was even the topic of conversation on political chat boards as diverse as DweebRepublic.com and AnarchistsForLieberman.org.

That's right, we're talking about Britney and her, ahem, sex life.

We thought it was an interesting story when we read about it on the news wires. However, we thought the coverage in The Wall Street Journal was a bit much, and the five-part series in Boy's Life was total overkill. After all, The String Cheese Incident, Billy Bob Thornton and Drive-By Truckers all released new dates last week, but no matter where you looked, the headlines screamed Britney! Britney!! Britney!!! What's next? A detailed description, including pictures, in Better Home & Gardens?

"Whoops! Too late.

However, we must admit, that some of us here at Pollstar.com headquarters were caught up in the news. Our computer techies were mesmerized by the revelations, and our data entry operators were so shaken by the story that they had to rub dry ice all over their bodies in order to get a grip on themselves so that they could enter the dates for Marshall Crenshaw, Dave's True Story and Dan Seals. Then there was that unfortunate incident when one of our salespeople ended up Superglued to the computer screen. Disgusting? Maybe so. However, the men in our company acted much worse.

But is it news? We think not. In fact, we're so disgusted at how the other news outlets overdid the story that we're declaring this page a Britney-free zone. No matter what the other media services may carry, no matter what insinuations they may make about America's Sweetheart, we're going to stay on topic and do what we do best - bringing you fresh tour dates for bands like Asleep At The Wheel and Further Seems Forever, and artists like Aaron Tippin, Lorrie Morgan and Randy Newman. Unlike those other media outlets that claim to bring you the news, we will not pander to the lusting mobs that demand the latest inside gossip on one of the world's sexiest, most alluring stars.

On the other hand, if the story is about Michael Jackson...

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