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Tours de Farce: Hitchin' A Ride

12:00 AM Saturday 10/30/04 |   |

"What's that? Sure, you can catch a ride to work with me. No problemo. After all, that's what neighbors are for. So, climb in and we'll hit the road. Uh, would you mind holding my briefcase, jacket, CD rack and coffee cup while I fish for my keys? Watch it, it's hot. Oh, I guess you found that out.

"Huh? What's that? You mean you never saw a 128 ounce coffee cup holder in a car before? That's one of the reasons I bought this car. Yeah, that's right. Everything's top of the line. Latest cup holders, latest stereo, latest ... Uh... You wanna crane your neck over those bushes at the end of the driveway and tell me when it's clear? Oh, never mind. I'll just do what I do every morning. Close my eyes and floor it. Nobody ever drives down this street this early in the morning. Hold on!

"No, you're not mistaken. That is a computer console sitting between the stereo and the cup holders. I keep my home page set to Pollstar.com so I can look up the new tours while I'm driving to work. See? De La Soul and The Dresden Dolls have both announced new dates and... and... Why are your eyes bugging out like that? You gotta thyroid problem?

"Oh, come on, now. I cleared that semi by at least one, maybe two feet. Hey, Fatboy Slim has some new dates. I'll just mouse over that date, click on the venue and see how to buy... Whoops! What the hell was that pedestrian doing crossing the street in the middle of the block? You'd think he'd know better. Guess, we gave him a scare, eh? Too bad about his wheelchair, though. He'll probably spend the rest of the day scrubbing that stain out of the seat.

"I gotta tell you, driving is a lot more fun since I bought a car with Net access. Joe Satriani, Bayside, Pat Metheny Group - you name the act and my onboard computer keeps me up to date with their schedules. Which reminds me, I've got an extra ticket for Dixie Dregs. Wanna go? Oh, that's too bad. Oh, well, I'll just type in an ad on Pollstar Premium and... Whoa! Did you see that cat bounce? And he landed on his feet, too. I mean, who would have thought...

"You know, you sure are a nervous one. Whatsamatta? Got a touch of autophobia? Here, this will fix you up. We'll just watch this Van Halen DVD while we're on the freeway and... and... Would you stop screaming? It's making me nervous.

"Uh? Of course, I'm in control. This car is totally ergonomic. I'll have you know that I can look up the latest dates for Aaron Carter, watch the DVD, drink coffee and still drive 90 miles per hour down the freeway. I'm in complete control. Heck, I do this every morning, come rain, shine, or fog. In fact, I'm the most careful driver you'll ever meet.

"After all, it's not like I'm talking on my cell phone."

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