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Tours de Farce: The Five Percent Solution

12:00 AM Thursday 8/26/04 |   |

We get email, lots and lots of email. Some of the email sent to us each day involves dates for De La Soul or Toby Keith, while other email brings us information on Mindy Smith, They Might Be Giants and Three Mo' Tenors. In fact, almost 95 percent of our emails are concert-related. However, there is that remaining five percent that has to be seen to be believed.

Hey! What's with you guys? I sent you an email last week asking for free tickets for Usher, and you haven't answered. Come on, people, get off your butts, pucker up and start kissing whatever needs kissing. I WANT MY FREE TICKETS NOW!

And so it goes...

Of course, most people would have ignored an email like that one. In fact, most people would probably press the "delete" button and send it on its way to that great virtual trash bin in the ether. But not us. Even though we may be busy updating the schedule for Jedi Mind Tricks or proofing the itineraries for Hot Snakes and Deftones, we still take the time to carefully read all our emails. It's all a part of our policy of keeping in touch with the "people."

Yo! Hey, gerbil breath! Where's that set list for Galactic? What about the support acts for R.E.M.? I swear, people like you make me so mad that sometimes I wanna coming down there personally with my AK47 and show you what "customer service" is all about. Now, get on the ball, you despicable puke-brains!

What do you do with email like that? How can one possibly answer someone as agitated as the author of the preceding email? Sure, we could patronize him, and write a nice little reply thanking him for his support. However, sometimes civility and manners may not sooth the savage emailer.

Alright, you chicken-livered, disgusting piles of cow droppings. I wrote you two weeks ago about sending me autographed pictures of everyone in The Darkness. Whatsamatta? Don't you know who I am? You better get on the stick before I whup your butts, but good!"

So we hold meetings where we discuss email like the above. We carefully read each word and contemplate the message the author is sending us. And then we strive to do a better job, because, after all, isn't that what it is all about?

You stupid, ignorant, worthless sacks of skin! Last week I wrote to you about providing me a limo to The Jim Rose Circus. And did you answer me? NOOOO! Don't push me, people. You don't want to know what happens to brainless idiots who push me! I'll have you know I've killed a lot of tour-date researchers in my time! No brag, just fact.

What do we do with emails like the ones we've listed above? As mentioned, we read each one, we discuss our responses, and we try to pacify the author. And while other Web sites might just delete angry missives like the ones you've just read, we save each and every one of them. In fact, we have a special folder for emails like the ones we've listed today. A special folder that archives all the angry, fuming, livid email that we receive each day.

It's that special folder marked "Memos From Our Boss." Oh, oh, here he comes now. Lessee, now what was the number for that limo service?

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