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Tours de Farce: Read My Lips

12:00 AM Tuesday 8/3/04 |   |

When was the last time you read to your kids?

"It all starts on September 30th in East Rutherford, New Jersey, when Barry Manilow kicks off his tour at the Continental Airlines Arena.

For many people, one of the best memories of childhood is when Mom or Dad read tour itineraries to them at bedtime...

Following East Rutherford, Barry will hit Boston, Providence and Wilkes-Barre.

Reading tour schedules to your son or daughter at bedtime is one of those magical moments of being a parent. One of those moments you'll cherish for a lifetime.

Then there's the Midwest, where his tour will touch down in Cleveland, Columbus, Rosemont and Auburn Hills.

But reading tour dates to your children is more than just rattling off a list of dates and cities for the Pixies or Queensryche.

That's right. Rosemont is outside Chicago and Auburn Hills is just north of Detroit.

The latest statistics show that children whose parents take the time to read tour schedules to them at bedtime grow up to be healthy, well-rounded adults...

The venue for Houston is the Toyota Center. Can you say "Toyota?" I knew you could.

In fact, over 75 percent of those whose parents read tour itineraries to at bedtime, have grown up to become productive members of society...

And in Denver it's the Pepsi Center. That's right. Pepsi. That stuff you put on your Cocoa Puffs every morning.

It's a known fact that Ted Bundy's parents never read tour dates to him as a child. Neither did Scott Peterson's parents, or, for that matter, Kenneth Lay's...

No, there's no support act. It's billed as an "evening with."

Not only is reading tour dates, like the latest schedules for Morrissey and Lenny Kravitz, at bedtime an important part of your child's development, but it's also one of the most important parent-child bonding experiences your son or daughter will ever encounter...

Daddy and Mommy would love to go to the Phoenix show, but we can't feed you three meals a day and buy tickets.

In fact, for many adults, having their parents read tour dates to them at bedtime, made for some of the best memories of childhood...

Oh, Mommy and Daddy used to see shows all the time, like G3, Six Feet Under and Trainwreck. However, since you arrived in the world, we've had to spend all of our disposable income on food, clothes and worming bills. That's why we can't see Bob Dylan next week. Or Fleetwood Mac and Hilary Duff next month.

So take the time. Read a tour schedule to your son or daughter tonight...

Sure, Mommy and Daddy would love to see a show, like maybe Ministry or Usher. But we're in debt over our heads and we've maxed out all of our credit cards paying for your needs and wants.

Your children will love you for it...

So I hope you're satisfied, you little snot-nosed rug rat!

And they'll remember it forever...

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