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Tours de Farce: Rock Of Ages

12:00 AM Sunday 6/20/04 | |

How old should one be to look at the new tours?

Should we set a minimum age to look at the dates for Curiosa?? Must we demand I.D. from all those wishing to check out the Jethro Tull fall tour? Should the dates for Bright Eyes and George Clinton & Parliament / Funkadelic be viewed by "mature audiences only," or should they be edited for family consumption as well as formatted for your home computer screen?

After all, the information contained in the listings for Roger Williams and David Byrne can be awfully titillating when viewed under the right conditions, and we can't deny that we've had more than one data operator quit in disgust upon seeing the routing for Kittie or the itinerary for Van Halen. Tour dates can be like that, quickening one's pulse, unleashing one's inner desires and giving free rein to concert-erotic fantasies that up until now could only be found during late-night original programming on HBO. Maybe there should be an age limit in order to look at the schedules for Ozomatli, Yes and John Mayer. A safe harbor for the children of the world.

On the other hand, we can remember a time when tour dates and kids went together like Michael Jackson and kids. For who can forget that time during the modem manufacturers strike when Mayor Rudolph Giuliani took to the radio airwaves to read the dates for Sting and Madonna to the children of New York? Nor can anyone forget that famous Norman Rockwell painting depicting a small boy climbing up on the chair before his father's computer, a teddy bear clutched in his left hand, his right arm wrapped around a bowl of sugar-fortified cereal, and his eyes opened wide in amazement as he gazed at the dates for Jessica Simpson and Dokken, inspiring Don Henley to pen his magnificent opus "The End Of The Innocence."

So, ignore the self-righteous that proclaim that the schedules for Elvis Costello and G3 should only be looked upon by accredited adults and disregard those who feel that they know what's right for society by prohibiting the listing for Alicia Keys from appearing on computers in public libraries. Let your children look in wonder upon the itineraries for Phish, Hilary Duff and Eric Clapton. After all, we were all young once.

But wait until they're older before you attempt to explain service charges. After all, you don't want your little ones growing up too fast, now, do you?

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