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Tours de Farce: Alien Nation

12:00 AM Friday 1/9/04 |   |

We've been busy of late.

We've been deluged with email, flooded with phone calls and blanketed with telegrams. We've been hit up on the streets, pestered at our homes and even interrupted while visiting our favorite restrooms. It seems a lot of people out there are asking the same question. They want to know our thoughts on the matter, our take on the situation and our position on the proposition.

In other words, everybody wants to know our opinion on President Bush's intention to legalize illegal aliens.

And that's a tough one to answer, if only because we're tour date specialists and we tend to see current events as something to watch during the downtime between seeing concerts by Galactic and Jewel. Sure, we know something's happening, but we never let it get in the way of tracking the latest schedules for Bela Fleck & The Flecktones, Buddy Guy and Bob Log III. We're happy campers, we never worry, and we're not about to plunge into a discussion that is absent of any mention of date, city state and venue. In short, our blinders are on and our rose-colored glasses are perched on the end of our collective noses as we drive our keenly focused engine-that-could on a one track mind to show time.

However, we can't deny the fact that there are over 11,545 promoters in this country that don't have green cards. Add to that the 5,700 or so booking agents that are in this country under questionable pretenses, not to mention the 72,971 ticket scalpers that never bothered to apply for citizenship, and you can see that we have a problem. And, as is often the case, if it's our problem, it's your problem. Don't blame us. That's just the way things work.

Unfortunately, we haven't been able to forge a consensus on the problem, for over 62 percent of our staff leans one way, while the remaining 50 percent has taken an opposite stance. We're split right down the middle on this illegal alien issue, which is why we'd rather talk about new shows for Puddle Of Mudd or changes in the routing for Peter Gabriel, than weigh in on weighty issues such as illegal aliens.

But you deserve an answer. After all that's what you're paying us for - entering dates for Edwin McCain Band, Yellowcard and Mitch Ryder, and pontificating on matters that we're totally clueless about. Kind of like a concert-driven Fox News without Bill O'Reilly. We never have both sides of the story, but we're much prettier to look at.

So in answer to all the questions regarding our stance on illegal aliens, our position is quite simple. Many of us have no problem if Mork or Mr. Spock want to live in this country. However, we're not too sure about Michael Jackson. After all, no one knows which planet he came from.

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