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Tours de Farce: Greasy Kid's Stuff

12:00 AM Thursday 12/4/03 | |

"Well, it's that time, Zelda."

"Time You mean it's time to inventory our supplies for the winter concert season, Horace?"

"You bet. Zelda. I'll read from the checklist. Ready?"

"As I'll ever be, Horace. Go."





"Toilet paper?"






"Oh, no, Zelda. Don't tell me we don't have enough Vaseline for the winter concert season."

"Well, we have enough Vaseline for John Mayer, but I'm not too sure if it will last through Travis and Anthony Gomes. After all it is the winter season."

"I hear you, Zelda, and with all those great concerts, like Phish and Jane's Addiction, we're going to need all the Vaseline we can get."

"But, Horace, can't we just buy more Vaseline?"

"We're don't have enough money, Zelda. We spent it all on Q Tips, cotton balls and deodorant for when we go to see those radio station Christmas shows like the 105.9 Kick Ass X-mas and the KROQ Almost Acoustic Christmas. Plus, any cash left over went to the RDJF."

"The RDJF?"

"The Radio Disc Jockey Fund. Remember, Zelda? It's that charity for the future homeless."

"Oh, that's right. Well, at least it's a write-off. But that still doesn't give us any extra Vaseline, Horace, and the winter concert season has already begun. I just can't imagine seeing Dan Hicks & The Hot Licks without my Vaseline.

"I hear you, Zelda. Plus, Elvis Costello and Brad Paisley are touring this winter, and… Hey, wait a minute. Does it have to be authentic Vaseline?"

"What do you mean, Horace?"

"There are similar products on the market, Zelda. Can't we buy a generic instead?"

"A generic replacement for Vaseline? Hmmm... I don't know, Horace. After all, just like there's only one Paul Anka, there's only one Vaseline Petroleum Jelly. It's the only product that combines the goodness of jelly -."

"- With the industrial strength of petroleum. You're right, Zelda, it has to be Vaseline for concerts. Nothing else will do. But at the rate we're going, we'll run out of Vaseline way before Barenaked Ladies come to town. I just can't imagine seeing Canada's number one band without any Vaseline."

"Gosh, Horace. Is this how it ends? All these shows, like David Bowie, Cyndi Lauper and Yanni, and no Vaseline? I mean, what are we going to do?"

"There's only one thing to do, Zelda.

"What's that, Horace? Uh... What are you doing with that phone? Who are you calling?"

"I'm calling Glen Campbell. He'll know what to do."

"Uh? The Rhinestone Cowboy, himself? But why are you calling Glen Campbell? What does he know about Vaseline?"

"Are you kidding, Zelda? If there's one thing Glen knows about, it's how to get well-lubed."