When one considers all the global stress and anxiety brought about by current affairs in the international arena, one can't help but fall to one's knees and thank the powers that be for the new tours.
Sure, you've heard it all before - how new dates for Zebrahead or Fred Penner might ease the trauma of facing a nuclear North Korea or reduce the tension brought about by David Gest's lawsuit against former soul mate Liza Minnelli. In a world gone mad it's easy to fall back on the new tours, maybe even take them for granted. But at what cost?
A look at the headlines quickly answers that question. Each day the news is filled with the movers and shakers of modern history making decisions that eventually trickle down like so many Reaganesque tax cuts to affect the immediate world around us. However, do the decision-makers take into account that the Michael Schenker Group is playing in San Diego on December 3? Or that Elton John will do a week's worth of shows in Vegas in February? Hardly.
Perhaps that is what's wrong with the world. Maybe we place too much emphasis on Iraq, Iran, muscle-man governors elect and Rush Limbaugh's adventures in pharmacopoeia. So much, in fact, that we fail to realize that it's tour listings, such as the new routings for DJ Frankie J and The Motet, that hold our planet together in its perpetual odyssey through the cosmos. For without the new tours, one can only contemplate what might happen in the grander scheme of creation. And tremble.
A wise man once said, "Those who fail to remember the new tours are condemned to spend eternity with Milli Vanilli's box set of greatest hits." Prophetic words, for sure. More so when one considers that the latest listings for Chris Rock or Andrew W.K. hardly ever make the reading list at the White House, or earn a mention at the United Nations, let alone raise the eyebrows in Moscow, Paris or spur discussion on Hannity & Colmes.
But there is hope! Someday. No, not today or tomorrow, and probably not next week or next year, but someday the leaders of the world will renounce their own ignorance for disregarding the relevance of Phish playing four nights in Miami, or which friends are touring with Dave Matthews. Yes, someday they'll get it all together. They'll screw their collective heads on straight and take a long, hard look at the itineraries for The Big Wu, Wayne Wonder and Bette Midler. Only then will they come to rely on the new tours as much as American presidents rely on the CIA, or as much as Chicago Cubs outfielders rely on the fans to keep their hands to themselves. Yes, someday the new tours will guide, shape and lead us to a happier, more productive society.
Until then, we'll have to settle for Jessica Simpson discerning the difference between chicken and tuna. It might not be much, but it's a start.