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Tours de Farce: Band Aid

12:00 AM Tuesday 9/30/03 | |

"Are you ready to go over our fall concert supply list, Horace?"

"You bet, Zelda. I was born ready."

Okay. Here we go. Toilet paper?"

"Check."

"Underwear?"

"Check."

"Laxatives?"

"Check."

"Bandages?"

"Uh..."

"Bandages??"

"Uh... Houston? We have a problem."

"Oh, no, Horace. Not again."

"I could have sworn I picked up the bandages when I bought tickets for Kings Of Leon and Hot Action Cop last week."

"Do you mean to tell me we don't have enough bandages to make it through the fall concert season, Horace? But we need bandages if we're going to see Vertical Horizon, British Sea Power and Lonestar."

"I know, Zelda, but I was really busy last week, what with all those poll takers asking me about the California recall election."

"Damn that recall! We needed those bandages, Horace. Especially for Celine Dion and Shania Twain."

"And don't forget about ZZ Top, Zelda. After all, you remember what happened last time we saw them."

"I sure do, Horace. We used up 156 bandages, including those 72 adhesive gauze strips for the regular set and those three ankle wraps for the encores. The concert would have been a total disaster if it weren't for those bandages."

"I know, Zelda. Seeing a concert without bandages would be like listening to John Tesh without Jack Daniels. But what should we do?"

"I don't know, Horace. However, we wouldn't need so many bandages if we weren't so, you know, so into concerts."

"I know what you mean, Zelda. Like that time you fell off of the lighting rig while you were dancing during that Aerosmith / KISS show. We would have been up the creek without a paddle if it weren't for the bandages."

"And that time when you jumped into the mosh pit with all those bikers at the 'Weird Al' Yankovic concert. If it weren't for the bandages, you'd have never been able to keep your head on straight during the drive home."

"I hear you, Zelda, but where are we going to get enough bandages? The fall concert season has already started, and all the concert bandage supply stores are always sold out by now."

"Hmmm... We're going to have to think out of the box on this one, Horace. Say, how many bandages do we have left over from the summer concert season?"

"4,391, Zelda."

"Well, that should take care of Lyle Lovett and Supersuckers, but what about Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players? You know how much I've been looking forward to that show, Horace. It just wouldn't be the same without bandages."

"Here's an idea, Zelda. What if we cut down on the number of bandages we use for each show and only use half as much when we see Bob Dylan and Gov't Mule next month?"

"Hmmm... I don't know, Horace. I was hoping to do some serious body slamming at those shows. And didn't you say you wanted to mix it up with a security guard or two?"

"You're right, Zelda. Once you put it that way, it's pretty obvious that we can't possibly cut down on our bandage use. I guess we're just going to have to cut down on the number of shows we want to see. That way we'll have enough bandages to go around."

"Wait a second, Horace. Cut down on the number of shows? You mean pass on seeing Sha Na Na and Bowling For Soup? All because we don't have enough bandages?"

"Well... Yeah. But I do have a second solution."

"What's that, Horace?"

"We could try going to all the shows that we want to see, but not be so... so..."

"So physical? But I love getting physical at concerts, Horace. I mean, what would that Eagles show have been like if I hadn't flipped the finger at that policeman? And what would the Anthrax concert had been like if you hadn't beaten that concessions guy over the head with your platform shoes? I'm telling you, Horace, bandages and concerts go together like Simon & Garfunkel."

"I know, Zelda, but if we're going to make our current supply of bandages last all through the fall concert season, we're going to have to cut down on our interaction with those around us."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning when we go to a show, like maybe Martina McBride or David Bowie, we walk in, sit down and watch."

"Uh?'

"You heard me, Zelda. No kicking the people next to us, no spitting on the people in front of us, no throwing garbage at the roadies."

"No upchucking on the soundman?"

"Especially that, Zelda. So what do you say?""

"Lemme see if I have this straight. No gouging, no puking, no cutting, no bloodletting no nothing. We just sit and watch the show."

"Yes, that's about the size of it, Zelda. So what do you say?"

"No biting, scratching, no dismembering? There's only one thing I can say, Horace."

"And that is?"

"Ouch!"

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