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Tours de Farce: Listmania

12:00 AM Wednesday 9/17/03 | |

"What are you doing, Harry?"

"I'm making my concert list, Frank."

"List? You mean of all the shows you want to see this fall?"

"Uh, not exactly, Frank. I'm making up a list of all the acts I'm not going to see."

"Uh?"

"That's right, Frank. It's a list of all the acts and musicians that have spoken out against the president. Lessee... Dixie Chicks, Bruce Springsteen... My brother-in-law's polka band..."

"Let me get this straight. You're not going to see any concert starring bands or artists who have disagreed publicly with the president?"

"Righto, Frank. It's time for all of us true Americans to stand up and be counted. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah... Paul Weller, Anthrax, Sugar Ray, that trumpet player who plays for spare change down on the street corner..."

"Wait a minute, Harry. I don't recall those musicians disagreeing with the president."

"Yeah, well, I'm also adding all those acts that haven't spoken up in favor of the president. Hmmm... Guy Davis... Yeah Yeah Yeahs, the organist at my church..."

"But, Harry, what about those artists' rights to free speech? Don't they have a right to speak, or not to speak, their opinions?"

"Sure they do, Frank, but their right to speak stops with my right not to spend my hard-earned money buying tickets for their concerts. Now, who have I forgotten? Oh, yeah... ZZ Top, Lee Rocker, the drum major on the high school marching band..."

"I suppose those folks haven't spoken up in favor or against the president either."

"You got it, Frank. But they're thinking about saying something nasty. I just know it. Oops! I forgot Mary Gauthier and Modest Mouse. Also that guy at the Karaoke bar who's always singing Marilyn Manson songs."

"What is it with you, Harry? Are you going to condemn everyone who doesn't fit into your ideology of what's right for America? This country is supposed to be a melting pot, where everyone speaks their mind, regardless of whether they're wrong or right on the money."

"Ha! Get real, Frank. The squeaky wheel gets the most grease, and I'm gonna lube up and show those artists what I stand for. They're not going to mess around with my country anymore. Nosiree. Lessee... Alison Krauss, Marshall Crenshaw, that idiot in my carpool who always hums off-key whenever it's my turn to drive..."

So, Harry, that's gotta be some list. How long is it, anyway?"

"Oh, about 364,231 pages. Give or take a page."

"Really? You mean to tell me that you've managed to fill all every single one of those pages with the names of every single artist, band or musician that disagrees with the president, might disagree with the president, or refuses to speak up in favor of the president?"

"Oh, no, of course not, Frank. Don't be ridiculous."

"Good. You know, for a moment there I -"

"That's just part one."

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