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Tours de Farce: All Those Years Ago

12:00 AM Saturday 8/9/03 |   |

The recent discovery that a frozen prehistoric man was killed by an arrow in the back 8,000 years ago has changed the way science looks at evolutionary theories.

Although the arrowhead is a recent find, the perfectly frozen concert fan, dubbed Icefan by the media, was discovered ten years ago within the melted remains of a glacier behind Denver's Red Rocks Amphitheatre. Even more amazing than the perfectly preserved 8,000-year-old body, was that its right hand was clenched around a pair of petrified tickets to a Keith Richards in-store performance. This caused scientists to speculate that Icefan was the prehistoric forerunner of today's music fans who line up each day for concert tickets for acts such as matchbox twenty and Josh Todd.

Life was different when Icefan roamed the Earth. The Egyptians had yet to build the Memphis Pyramid, the Phoenicians were still experimenting with service charges and the Sumerians were just beginning to lay the groundwork for gold circle seating. "You look at Icefan and you see the beginnings of the modern concert industry," says world-renowned concertpologist, Dr. Bernard Rubble. "If Icefan was alive today, he'd feel right at home walking almost upright through the turnstiles to see Iron Maiden or Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, Icefan is a truly remarkable specimen from our past."

But was Icefan any different than today's fans that make up the audiences for Electric Six or Unsane? Was he a descendent of Nederlander Man? Or was he an offshoot of Verizon Man? And what about that arrowhead?

"It represents a whole new classification of prehistoric man," says Dr. Rubble. "And because the arrowhead was made out of the same kind of rock they used to spark a fire, we've come up with a brand new name for this classification."

And that is?

"The Flint-Stone Man," answers Dr. Rubble. "Definitely a modern, stone-age family."

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