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Tours de Farce: Rated XXX

12:00 AM Saturday 4/12/03 | |

We've been receiving some disturbing reports of late; tales of unheralded debauchery, ribald stories of erotic passion and sensual episodes of erotic gratification. Reports dripping with so much unbridled lust and unleashed ardor, that we dare not describe such actions on a family Web site such as this.

To put it bluntly, it appears that people are having sex at concerts.

Don't get us wrong. We're no saints ourselves. We understand how a good show, such as ZZ Top or Vanilla Ice, can give rise to feelings not normally felt outside the privacy of one's home. However, there's a time and a place for amour, and it's not while 2 Skinnee J's, Counting Crows and Steely Dan pound the stages of the land bringing great music at reasonable prices to the masses.

Just think of it. How would you feel if you were Bruce Springsteen singing poignantly spiritual lyrics of hope and salvation only to look out into the audience and see people groping and grabbing for each other while you practice the artistry of your music?

What's more, consider the promoter's feelings. They work their fingers to the bones inking deals to bring Beck, The Allman Brothers Band and Trey Anastasio to your town. A lot of people don't realize that promoters are upright, moral citizens and they do not want to see naked, nubile bodies doing things to each other that are probably illegal in most of the fifty states. Or very well should be.

This has got to stop right now, people! Exert power over your passions, leash that lust and control those cravings for physical pleasure and bodacious bodily bumping. Blue Oyster Cult and The White Stripes have worked hard over the years perfecting their craft, and they don't want to see you and your mate (or mates) engaged in prurient displays of lascivious hormonal gratification. Put a lid on your libido, take a cold shower, think of David Lee Roth, and do something, anything that will keep your mind out of the gutter and your attention on the performance taking place on stage. Dixie Chicks, Leo Kottke and Dave Matthews Band are not there to provide the backbeat for your concupiscent couplings.

After all, that's what support acts are for.

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