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Tours de Farce: Won't You Help?

12:00 AM Tuesday 1/7/03 | |

What should we do about those who refuse to attend concerts?

That's the perplexing question facing society today. What kind of person would refuse to see Mad Caddies? What kind of childhood must one have had in order to pass on Liza Minnelli and The Big Wu? And while we're at it, what about those IQ results? SAT scores? Chromosome linkage?

It's a known fact that only the maladjusted refuse to go to concerts. In fact, the next time you're at a show by Graham Colton or Jethro Tull, take a good look around the hall and take note of those who haven't made it to the show. Those are the John Wayne Gacys of the world. People you want to avoid at all costs.

But what would cause someone to refuse to see Guided By Voices or skip seeing Jimmy Eat World or Yellowcard? Could it be lack of education? Environment? Heredity? Could they be missing more than a few steps on the DNA spiral staircase? The jury is still out on concert self-deprivation, however, the early, non-conclusive evidence firmly indicates that society must act now, or be prepared to regret later.

What can you do? First of all, know the warning signs of a concert degenerate. Those who cite previous engagements, lack of money or life-threatening illnesses as reasons for not seeing the next show coming to town, whether it's Yanni, Galactic or Pearl Jam, are definitely displaying signs of Concert Corruptus, and must be dealt with immediately. An anonymous phone call or an unsigned note sent to the proper authorities might seem harsh and cruel, but it's a small price to pay for the salvation of civilization.

And for those doubters in the audience, those who say, "So what? They're only concerts," remember this; Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, even Robert Blake, never saw Julio Iglesias or Freaky Flow & MC Flipside. They never experienced the adrenaline surge of seeing The Rolling Stones hit the stage or the joy of a second encore by David Cassidy. Clearly, the time to act is now. After all, think of the children.

Brought to you by Concert Promoters For Humanity. We're building a better world one show at a time.