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Tours de Farce: Happiness Is A Warm...

12:00 AM Thursday 12/12/02 |   |

The music world is still reeling from the news that its largest trade organization has merged with one of America's most controversial associations.

In announcing the merger, the newly formed National Rifle & Recording Industry Association Of America (NR-RIAA) promises to fight music piracy along with promoting Second Amendment rights by ensuring that every recording artist, record company executive and music publisher receives the proper training in order to carry and use lethal firearms.

"A well-armed music industry is a pirate-free music industry," says NR-RIAA co-chairperson Hilary Rosen as she demonstrates her quick-draw reflexes that have made her a favorite among major label acts such as Papa Roach, Hank III and Bon Jovi. "Let the word go out to users of Kazaa, Morpheus and Grokster that they can steal our songs when they pry them loose from our cold, dead hands."

"A mortally wounded music pirate is an ex-music pirate," chimes in co-chairperson Charlton Heston as he squeezes off a few rounds on his private shooting range where the targets bear more than a slight resemblance to Napster founder Shawn Fanning. "Believe me, those bottom-feeding scum-suckers will have second thoughts about ripping off songs by Insane Clown Posse or Steve Earle once they see Yanni standing at their front door packing an Uzi."

To be sure, while the music industry is united in fighting piracy, several factions question the use of firearms when it comes to protecting songs by Jethro Tull or Brad. Many favor ballistic fingerprinting of all peer-to-peer file-sharing programs, while others back more extensive software registering of programs such as WinMX and Imesh. "Happiness may be a warm gun," says Senator Greg Brady, who, along with Senator Christopher Bunch, authored the "Brady / Bunch Bill" which would require a five day "cooling off" period before people could use file-sharing programs to swap songs by acts such as Yonder Mountain String Band, Richard Street and godspeed you black emperor!. "After all, do we really want to put the Guns back into Guns N' Roses? I don't think so."

Will Americans rally to support a well-armed music industry? And, if so, will providing artists with enough ammunition to halt song-traders in their tracks curtail the ever-growing threat of music piracy? "A Desert Eagle holstered to my hip does more to deter music piracy than any known law," says Rosen. "Trust me, when the smoke clears, all Americans will stand firm behind the NR-RIAA and support the music industry's Second Amendment right to bear arms."

All Americans?

"You better believe it," answers Rosen. "In fact, you might even say we'll be number one with a bullet."

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