"Honey, I'm home."
"How was your day, dear?"
"Not so good. I've been ordered to go out on another field assignment. Have you seen my Walther PPK?"
"On the dresser next to your poison cufflinks. But why does it have to be you? The holidays are coming up and you promised the kids that you'd take them to see The Colors of Christmas featuring Peabo Bryson, Jody Watley, Oleta Adams and Jon Secada."
"I know, honey, but the orders came down today. Straight from the President. Uh, you wouldn't happen to know where my attaché case is, would you?"
"The one that dispenses knock-out gas or the one that fires laser beams?"
"Hmmm… For this job I better take both. You never know in this business."
"Hrrmph! Business! Business always comes first with you, doesn't it? Why is it, when ever we make any plans, like seeing R.E.M. or buying tickets for Styx and Emerson Drive, you suddenly have to rush off on 'business?'"
"Hey, I didn't make the decision. The word from the top is that the President is tired of waiting. He wants action, now. Uh, bulletproof boxer shorts?"
"In the dryer. But can't someone else do it? Why does it have to be you?"
"Because I'm the best, that's all there is to it. With all the reductions in the number of field operatives over the years, there's not that many agents left that do what I do. Uh, my Pez dispenser / rocket launcher?"
"Sitting on the TV where you left it. But, what am I going to tell the kids? They were counting on you to get tickets for Dixie Dregs, Tony Levin and Ben Kweller."
"I know, honey, but duty calls. Uh, flesh-eating argyle socks?"
"In the closet next to the secret shoe phone, on top of The Impotent Sea Snakes CD you bought Junior for Christmas."
"Oh, and I'll need the keys to the Astin Martin."
"In the kitchen, next to the flash grenades disguised as Hostess Twinkies. But why do you have to take the Astin Martin?"
"Because the SUV doesn't have an injector seat."
"But why do you need any car? You can't drive to Iraq."
"Iraq? This has nothing to do with Iraq?"
"But didn't you say the President was tired of waiting? That he wanted action, now?"
"Yes, but the President wasn't talking about Iraq."
"He wasn't?"
"Oh, no. He wants me to convince Axl Rose to reconsider the tour. Seems the President is a big Buckethead fan and... and... and... Oh, honey, don't look at me like that. Say something."
"Uh..."
"Well?"
"You're going to need a bigger gun."