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Tours de Farce: The Freshman

12:00 AM Friday 9/20/02 |   |

"Hello? Billy! I just had to call to see how my youngest son likes being a college freshman."

"It's great, Dad. I love my biology class, and my economics professor is really cool. Maybe it's a little too early to say this, but I think I have a clear shot at making the dean's list this semester."

"That's fine, Billy, but what about the concerts? According to your school's Web site, Midge Ure and Nappy Roots are both on your college's fall schedule."

"That they are, Dad, but I don't think I'll be able to see them, what with homework and all."

"What? You listen to me, young man, I didn't save up all these years for you to go to class, study and take tests. Not with Tori Amos, Bernard Allison and The Glands touring this fall."

"I know, Dad, but this is a very competitive school. I gotta keep the grade point up if I want to survive."

"Listen to you. You sound like your brother. And we all know what happened to him."

"You mean Tom? He's a heart surgeon. What's wrong with that?"

"What's wrong with that? He spent years at college and never saw a single show, like Throwdown or Supreme Beings of Leisure. Heck, I called him a few weeks ago and asked if he'd like to go out with his old man and see The Rolling Stones. And do you know what he said to me?"

"Uh, no."

"He said he couldn't go because he had to do a heart transplant. Can you believe that?"

"Well, that does sound like a pretty good reason."

"It's a bunch of bull if you ask me. Like there aren't more patients where that one came from. Remember last summer when my boss wouldn't let me take a day off to see Korn? Did I let that stop me? Hell, no!"

"Uh, Dad? Isn't that why they fired you?"

"Fired, quit, laid off. It's all semantics. The point is, I saw the show, and that's what really counts. If there's one thing you gotta remember, Billy, it's that you never know when a band is going to break up, or an artist is going to retire, so you got to see them as many times as you can. After all, you don't want to grow up to be an old man without seeing Widespread Panic or Phish, do you?"

"Well..."

"Of course you don't. Now you march right down to that student union and buy tickets for every show coming to your campus."

"But, Dad. What about my grades?"

"Screw the grades! Robert Plant, Brad and Rasputina are what really matter. You remember what I always told you when you were growing up, don't you?"

"Er... Yeah."

"Then tell me."

"Oh, Dad."

"Come on, Billy. Tell me. Prove to me that you're the boy I raised. Come on. What did I always tell you?"

"That seeing a good concert, like Nonpoint or Bob Schneider, is the most important thing a man can do with his life."

"And?"

"And the more concerts a guy sees, the more popular he'll be."

"And?"

"And the more popular a guy is, the more important he is."

"That's right. You remember those words, Billy. It's what made me the man I am today."

"Broke, unemployed and living off of Mom's job at Wendy's?"

"The important thing is that I have the time to see any show I want. You remember that, Billy. Time is precious."

"I'll remember that, Dad. Look, I gotta get off of the phone. I've got a test tomorrow and I really should go over my notes one more time."

"What?"

"Er... The Hope Conspiracy is playing at a local club and I thought I'd catch their last set before I call it a night."

"Good boy! That's the son I know. Call me tomorrow and let me know how the show went. Okay?"

"Okay, Dad. Good night, Dad."

"Good night, Billy. Click! Sheesh... The kids today."

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