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Tours de Farce: Coming Of Age

12:00 AM Sunday 7/21/02 |   |

How old should one be to look at the new tours?

Should we set a minimum age to look at the dates for Festival Con Dios featuring Audio Adrenaline? Must we demand I.D. from all those wishing to check out the next leg of the Paul McCartney tour? Should the dates for Dianne Reeves and George Clinton & Parliament / Funkadelic be viewed by "mature audiences only," or should they be edited for family consumption as well as formatted for your home computer screen?

After all, the information contained in the listings for Melvin Seals Melting Pot and Paul Westerberg can be awfully titillating when viewed under the right conditions, and we can't deny that we've had more than one data operator quit in disgust upon seeing the routing for Melissa Ferrick or the itinerary for Sammy Hagar & David Lee Roth. Tour dates can be like that, quickening one's pulse, unleashing one's inner desires and giving free rein to concert-erotic fantasies that up until now could only be found during late-night original programming on HBO. Maybe there should be an age limit in order to look at the schedules for Dave Pirner, Yes and Red Hot Chili Peppers. A safe harbor for the children of the world.

On the other hand, we can remember a time when tour dates and kids went together like Michael Jackson and hit records. For who can forget that time during the modem manufacturers strike when Mayor Rudolph Giuliani took to the radio airwaves to read the dates for Steven Curtis Chapman and Southside Johnny & The Asbury Jukes to the children of New York? Nor can anyone forget that famous Norman Rockwell painting depicting a small boy climbing up on the chair before his father's computer, a teddy bear clutched in his left hand, his right arm wrapped around a bowl of sugar-fortified cereal, and his eyes opened wide in amazement as he gazed at the dates for Murderdolls and Pitchshifter, inspiring Don Henley to pen his magnificent opus "The End Of The Innocence."

So, ignore the self-righteous that proclaim that the schedules for Elvis Costello and Ronnie James Dio should only be looked upon by accredited adults and disregard those who feel that they know what's right for society by prohibiting the listing for Queens Of The Stone Age from appearing on computers in public libraries. Let your children look in wonder upon the itineraries for The Juliana Theory, Toploader and A*Teens. After all, we were all young once.

But wait until they're older before you attempt to explain service charges. After all, you don't want your little ones growing up too fast, now, do you?

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