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Tours de Farce: Bombs Away!

12:00 AM Thursday 6/13/02 |   |

"Honey, I'm home!"

"Did you stop at the video store and pick up that movie like I asked you to?"

"Sure did. And you wouldn't believe what was going on next door to the video store. It was the grand opening of that new Ticketmaster we've read about."

"You mean Ticketmaster Warehouse? Where you can buy tickets for bands like The Icarus Line and Fu Manchu at prices just above wholesale?"

"That's the one."

"Oh, honey, what was it like?"

"Like our wildest dreams. Belinda Carlisle, LL Cool J and Chris Botti, you name it they had it. Plus, they were handing out free David Lee Roth samples at the end of every aisle."

"Did you get any?"

"I wanted to, but I didn't have time to wait. Some lady and her 24 kids were ahead of me."

"Oh."

"But I did pick up a pallet of tickets for that Walk Down Abbey Road tour, plus two months worth of tickets for Moby and Guttermouth."

"Two months? Do you think that will be enough?"

"No, but that was all they had left. However, the clerk said that they'd restock tomorrow."

"That sounds great. I've always said this town needed a Ticketmaster Warehouse outlet. Say, why don't we watch the movie I asked you to bring home, then we'll make a list of all the tickets we want, like Yes and The Samples?"

"Er, honey, you better sit down. I have some bad news."

"Oh?"

"You see, I was pushing my cart down aisle 312, scooping up tickets for Percy Sledge and Nickel Creek, when I turned the corner and suddenly came upon this man covering up all the Britney Spears posters."

"You're kidding. You mean -"

"Uh, uh. I ran smack dab into the Attorney General."

"John Ashcroft?"

"You got it. He took one look at me, then grabbed me and threw me up against the shelves holding all the Nickelback tickets."

"Threw you up against the shelves? What in heavens for?"

"He said he was looking for a dirty bomb."

"And he frisked you? How exciting! But why did he choose you?"

"He said that he had reliable information that it was me, or someone who looked like me, or someone who had the same last name as me, or was as tall as me or something like that."

"Gosh, what did you do?"

"What could I do? I gave him what he wanted."

"Oh, dear."

"I'm sorry, honey. I'll make it up to you. Tomorrow, I'll go down to the Ticketmaster Warehouse and buy you a six month supply of Tower Of Power tickets."

"But how could you just hand it over to him?"

"Well, he is the Attorney General, honey. When the country's top cop demands that you give him the dirty bomb, what else can you do but hand it over to him?"

"I know, but.. but..."

"But what?"

"I was so looking forward to watching Showgirls tonight."

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