"Hi, Aunt Hilary. I'm feeling really yucky today."
"Oh? What's the problem, Peggy?"
"It's my mommy, Aunt Hilary. She won't buy me the latest CDs by Kittie and Pinback, and it's all your fault!"
"My fault, Peggy? Why do you say that, my child?"
"Because you're shutting down all the song-trading networks, and now I have to ask mommy for money to buy my favorite music, like the latest CD by Matthew Sweet.
"But, Peggy, the song-trading networks are operated by very bad people."
"Really, Aunt Hilary? How bad?"
"Grind your bones to make their bread. That's how bad they are, Peggy. They want to huff and puff and blow my record labels down. And if they do that, you'll never be able to listen to Kim Richey or Trisha Yearwood again."
"Gee, Aunt Hilary, you have all the answers. I don't suppose you would know how to make my mommy buy me all the CDs I want, like Soul Asylum, Nashville Pussy and GWAR, do you?"
"Have you tried holding your breath until you turn blue?"
"Yeah, but I got real dizzy."
"How about going through your mommy's purse when she's not looking?"
"Gosh, Aunt Hilary. Isn't that stealing?"
"Not when you're going to use the money to buy CDs, Peggy. Our next caller is Billy from Clovis, California. Hi, Billy. You're on Kid Talk."
"Hi, Aunt Hilary. Do you have any suggestions on how a little kid like me can raise enough money to buy CDs by Kevin Max and Hank Williams Jr.?"
"Sure thing, Billy. Is there a sofa in your house?"
"Why don't you look under the cushions for some loose change. Who knows? You might find enough to buy what you want, and maybe even some left over to get the latest from Flogging Molly or Stroke 9."
"I don't know, Aunt Hilary. My daddy is asleep on the couch, and if I even go near him, I might knock over one of his beer bottles and wake him up. Couldn't you just let Napster reopen, instead?"
"Oh, I can't do that, Billy. Napster was very, very bad. They let people steal from the record labels. And you know that stealing from the record labels is wrong, don't you, little boy?"
"No 'buts,' Billy. You listen to your Aunt Hilary. Hmmm. You say you're daddy is asleep? Now's the time to go through his wallet and grab one of his credit cards. Then you can go online and buy all the CDs you want, including Schatzi and The White Stripes?"
"And Orange Goblin?"
"That's the spirit, Billy! Remember, it isn't stealing if you're buying music. Well, that's all the time Aunt Hilary has for today, boys and girls. Join me again tomorrow when I'll show you how to sign your daddy or mommy's signature on a check so that you can buy the latest from Steve Earle and They Might Be Giants. That's coming up tomorrow on Kid Talk!"