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Tours de Farce: That's The Ticket!

12:00 AM Friday 11/9/01 | |

"Thank you for calling TicketBlaster. To ensure better customer service, this call may be monitored. How may I help you?"

"I'd like to buy a pair of tickets for U2."

"Of course, sir. And which magazine subscriptions would you like?"

"Uh?"

"We have a special on NewsTime. Buy today and receive a six month subscription to Guns & Gardens for only half price."

"Not today. I just want to buy some concert tickets."

"I would also like to take this opportunity to tell you that we have Elton John, Judas Priest and Brad going on sale this weekend."

"That sounds good."

"And the first 100 people to buy tickets will receive a one year subscription to Playroadie Magazine at one-third off of the newsstand price."

"I'll have to think about that. Now, about my tickets."

"Or perhaps you'd like to learn more about our other special offers."

"No, I'd just like to buy my tickets."

"For example, order tickets for Sevendust or The Cult, and receive a special deal on a great time-sharing condo located in beautiful Bakersfield, California."

"Hmmm… I don't think so. Just sell me the tickets and I'll be on my way."

"But it's a great deal sir. Just think of it. You get your own condo in Casa del Oildale every third month plus every other Christmas and every Fourth of July that falls on a Tuesday."

"I'll have to pass. Now, about those tickets."

"Sir? Have you and your loved ones made plans for, well, how should I say this? For life's 'eventualities?'"

"Uh?"

"Buy tickets for Nashville Pussy or Clutch today and we'll give you fifty percent off of the standard price for a cemetery plot in our lovely Keith Moon Memorial Gardens. Would you like to talk to one of our salespeople?"

"No, I…"

"Believe me, sir, it's no problem. I'd be happy to connect you. Just one moment, please."

"Look, buddy, I called to buy some concert tickets. I don't want any magazines. I don't want any time-shares at Keith Moon del Oildale."

"That's Casa del Oildale, sir."

"Whatever. Just sell me the damn tickets. Okay?"

"Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir. Now, which tickets did you want?"

"Er… I forgot."

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