"Yes, Mother, I'm being careful. Yes, I heard about Tom Brokaw's assistant, but I assure you I've taken all the necessary precautions. What? Well, I'm seeing The Stereo tonight. Then this weekend I have the Family Values Tour at the sports arena. Don't worry, I'll be fine. Yes, I'll call you when I get home. Goodbye, Mother…. Sheesh!"
"What's the matter, Robert? Sound's like your mother's a bit worried."
"Worried isn't the word for it, Harry. Sometimes I wish I never bought this cell phone. Ever since the news broke about that poor guy down in Florida, she's been calling me every hour on the hour."
"She's just concerned, that's all."
"I know, but she keeps calling me. Like last night at the Dixie Dregs show, she kept me on the phone for the entire set."
"That's because she loves you."
"Yeah, but when I told her that I'm going to see Kylie Minogue, Dead Kennedys and The Sadies she insisted that I have a lab examine the tickets. I tell you, Harry, I just don't know what to do about her."
"Patience, Robert. The country is going through a tough stretch right now."
"I know, but when I told her that I was planning on seeing Courtney Love in Ventura on October 26, she asked me if Courtney would be screened for 'biological contaminants.'"
"I gotta admit, Robert, I've wondered that myself sometimes."
"I just wish she'd stop worrying. No matter what show I go to, M.S.G., Ray Wylie Hubbard or even Gregg Allman & Friends, she's concerned that I might 'catch something.' That I might be the next victim."
"That's because you're her son, Robert. Mothers can be like that."
"Can't they, though? I gotta admit, it was kind of cute when she started screaming about blood tests when I told her I was going to meet Ozzy Osbourne."
"That is kind of drastic."
"You're telling me? Thank God Ozzy is easily distracted or I would have never gotten the sample."
"It's a different world, now, Robert. She's your mother. She has a right to be worried."
"Yeah, but I just wish she'd give me some credit."
"I mean, I've had plenty of experience handling threatening situations."
"I'm sure you have."
"After all, if there's one thing I've learned from my twenty years of being a music critic, it's how to handle threats."
"Of course you have. Oh good, here comes the waiter with our dinner. I'm starving!"
"Me, too. Now, what did I do with my food testing kit and rubber gloves?"