"Greetings! Ian MacTavish here. Roadie extraordinaire. Retired, of course.
"Since I've entered my golden years, I've been catching up with me old friends. Like No-Thumbs Murphy who's working the Berlin tour, and Jerry 'Whadja Say?' Mulligan who's doing sound for Dread Zeppelin. Yes, I've been checking up on me mates, telling the old war stories and seeing shows like The Go-Go's and Sha Na Na. However, I noticed that something very disturbing is happening in concert audiences and I just hope I'm not too late to nip it in the bud.
"Believe it or not, I do believe that some concert audience members are smoking that hootchie kootchie.
"Folks, I can't tell you how dangerous this is. Furthermore, I can't believe that in this day and age, some of you are still smoking that hootchie kootchie. But I don't expect you to listen to this old road warrior. That's why I've asked my good friend, Keith Richards, to help me out. Keith? Tell it like it is."
"What Keith wants to tell you is, that if you keep smoking that hootchie kootchie, you'll never amount to anything. Ain't that right, Keith?"
"I mean, ask any band that's on the road today. Whether it's Roxy Music, Phil Lesh & Friends or Guns N' Roses, they'll all tell you that smoking that hootchie kootchie leads to nothing but trouble. Right, Keith?"
"Take it from Keith Richards, folks. After all, old Keith here didn't get to where he is today by smoking that hootchie kootchie. Right, Keith?"
"So, the next time you're at a concert, like blink-182 or Depeche Mode, and someone offers you some of that hootchie kootchie, remember what Keith says."
"Keith's right, folks. Zero tolerance is what it's all about. For if we all work together, we'll eventually see that grand and glorious day when smoking that hootchie kootchie becomes a thing of the past. Yes, our goal is a world without any hootchie kootchie what so ever. Right, Keith?"
"Yeah, m… Say what?"