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Tours de Farce: Mama, You've Been On My Mind

12:00 AM Tuesday 1/23/01 |   |

Looking back, I think my mother didn't like my wife.

I had a picture-perfect family. The beautiful wife, two smart sons, the dog and the house in the suburbs. I thought I was the man who had everything. Hah! What did I know?

It started when my mother gave us tickets for a Destiny's Child concert. Sounds innocent, eh? But that single show led to The Monkees, and eventually, Porcupine Tree.

Pretty soon I was going to four, maybe five shows a week. Sure, it was expensive, but I couldn't help myself. It seemed as if I was always reaching into my wallet for ticket money. I paid cash for Firehouse and DC Talk, ran up the credit cards on Michael Anthony, LeAnn Rimes and Lee "Scratch" Perry, and wiped out the savings account on airline tickets to Europe to see King Diamond and Eric Clapton. To this day I think one of the most embarrassing moments in my life was the first time I signed my paycheck over to Ticketmaster.

You can probably guess the rest. The wife took the kids and split. The judge gave me two weeks a year with my kids, but with Jennifer Knapp and Lisa Haley & The Zydekats touring, I really didn't have any extra time, so I waived the visitation rights.

House? Car? Family? Everything went to my wife. I lost my job when I took extra time off to follow the Michael W. Smith tour for a month. I tried to find other employment, but who's got time for job interviews when tickets for new shows, like The Souvenirs and Slaid Cleaves Band, go on sale every day?

You can probably see where this is going. That's right, I moved in with Mom. We start every day looking over the new tour dates for bands like 38 Special or Jeffrey Osborne on Pollstar.com. She cooks my meals, bakes cookies for me, picks out my clothes and the other night she even let me drive her car to the Los Lobos concert. I guess you could say I'm a real mama's boy.

Gee, life is swell.

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